Battle 045 – Khador(eIrusk) Vs. Mercs(Damiano) – 75pts

Ladies and gentlemen, today we have something a little different… a little special. A little awesome.

This week’s podcast was supposed to be a 75 point game between Nick’s Mercs and Aaron’s Khador… a brutal, massive, sprawling monstrosity of a game, with huge clashing armies, millions slaughtered, and joyous chaos! A chance both to show off the beauty of two of Combo Smite’s most talented painters (in their gorgeous armies!), and unquestionably one of the most stunning tables I’ve had the pleasure to see!

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The fact of the matter, however, is that the game went long (VERY long), Aaron mentally checked out after a few turns, and the battle itself was good but not good enough for the podcast…

HOWEVER, Nick did test out his new Speech to Text app for recording the battle report… and folks, it is a joy to read. And so we present to you, with a smile on our face and a little mischief in our hearts… the full, unedited battle report as recorded by Nick’s phone…

Nick hasn’t told me what was in either list, so we’re just going to go right into the battle report. I’ve put in (brackets) after each move what I *think* the phone was saying… but honestly, you’re guess is as good as mine.

Mercs Turn 1

-dominos first put her foot on alexia and death march on the boom howlers and then walks forward his jacks all walk forward
(Damiano puts Sure Foot on Alexia, Death March on the Boomhowlers)

– From house go for tough and run up the right hand side Alexia runs up in the middle of them to give them sure foot
(Boomhowlers go for Tough and run up, Alexia runs up into the middle to spread around Sure Foot)

– Ford guard runs up behind them (Forgeguard runs up)

– Still has run up the left hand side with the cavalry behind them done may just run up the middle with their mule (Sylys runs up left side? No! Steelheads! That’s it… they run up left side with Steelhead Cav behind them. “Done May” is obviously “Gun Mages”, who run up the middle with their Mule).

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Khador Turn 1

– K door turn 1 (Hee hee hee… K door…)

– Aaron walks his pikeman forward and shield wall and Manowar walk forward and shield wall and stomach or come behind them mortar runs up on the hill after (uhhhh… “Stomach or come behind them…” oh! “Demolition Corp” behind them? Best guess?)

– I risk puts up fire for effect and walks forward (“I risk” is probably Irusk… awesome)

– Winterguard bob and weave forward behind the pikemen
– Conquest runs for the middle (and Nick didn’t say it, but apparently dropped “Creeping Barrages” ahead)

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Mercs Turn 2

– Mercenaries turn to (“turn to” is pretty close to “turn 2”. Can’t fault the computer for that)
– Steelheads move in behind creeping brush templates (“creeping brush” is a wonderful way of saying “Creeping Barrage”…)

– mule moves forward and tries to shoot some pikemen but misses and still managed to kill one with blast

– boom howlers run forward and for a tough

– I’m Alexia moves up behind them again for truck comes behind them and my Jack strunggle up behind everything else (what the heck is a “strunggle”? And “again for truck”? Oh! “For truck” is probably “Forgeguard”…)

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Khador Turn 2

– K door turn to (makes perfect sense… right after J door and before L door)

– Motor takes a shot at alexia and Mrs but still does for damage to her and kills 14 Ford card (Mortar takes a shot at Alexia and “misses”, and I doubt somewhat that Nick allowed 14 of his 10 Forgeguard to die all at once, but hey, what do I know?)

– Public gives Chilmark today Shock Troopers (Ha! “Kovnik” gives “Shieldmarch” to the Shock Troopers)

– Advanced and shield wall and take shots at Boomhauer’s they managed to kill one of them (Boomhauer’s? It got “Boomhowlers” right every time until now!)

– Demo car advances behind them (I think the Demo Corps wishes they had a Demo car)

– The most runs up near the middle flag (“The most” is *probably* “Irusk”? Probably?)

– Aren’t things shieldwall and advance forward (“Iron Fangs” aren’t things, apparently)

– Conquest main gun at a steelhead chillin to still has and wounding one cast and Link insurance kill 1 Boomhauer and fail to kill a gun page and the other gun kills a gun mage I still had and Phils to win the mule (Uhhhh… Phils to win the Mule is probably “Fails to wound the Mule”… and… something about a dead Boomhowler… oh! “Steelhead Chillin” is a great way to describe “Steelhead Cavalry”, I’m guessing?)

– Winterguard bob and weave behind the pikemen and Rocketeer shoot at Steelheads and kill one more and they pass their command check (Perfect! What happened with the rest of the notes!?)

– Iris advances and pops his feet (I think I like “I risk” more than “Iris” for “Irusk”, but he does pop his Feat)

– Mechanics Silas and Reinhold all advanced forward (Mechaniks, Sylys, and Reinholdt… not bad, audio-computer-app… not bad…)

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Mercs Turn 3

– Mercenaries turn 3
– The mule went first and got out of the way of the cavalry and find (fired) a shot at some piping to try to quit. Of them hits but no credit and killed one of them  (“some piping to try and quit” is firing at something to try and CRIT, but no crit and killed one… of piping. Whatever Aaron has that are piping… Pikemen! Ah. Fired at Pikemen, no Crit, killed one).

– Gun mages moved up and kill 3 or 4 pikemen (Perfect)

– Steelheads wrong charge and engage demolisher and charge some pikemen chillin too (The Steelheads probably do wrong charge… but he meant “run/charge”… and “chillin too” is probably “killing 2”)

– Damiano activates and uses his feet and cast warpath (Wow, computer nails “Damiano” this time, but obviously can’t tell “feet” from “Feat”)

– Boom howlers advanced forward four inches and put 4 up tough up (what happened to the Boomhauers?)

– Alexia moves up behind them to give them sure foot and tries to zap a shock trooper and fails to kill him (Pretty clear)

– steelhead kind of charge to charge demolisher and do 4 points of damage to charge pikeman and kill 3 of them (“kind of charge” is great but incomprehensible to me…)

– Everything else runs up to try to get in position

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Khador Turn 3

– K door turn 3 (come and knock on K door…)

– Iono the mortar crew went first and killed Aiyana and broke (“Iono”? Your guess is as good as mine, folks… but I’m guessing they killed Aiyana and Holt)

– Joe Advanced gave boost attack rolls and shot a steelhead (Clear)

– No charge Peconic went in charge of steel head engaging conquest (Uhhhhh?)
This way in a shoWinterguard moved up and killed basically all of the Steelheads except for one kind of model except for two of the ceiling tile (Nope. I got nothin’)

– Shock Troopers advanced forward and only managed to kill 1 Boomhauer (Hey! Boomhauer is back! He’s a great guy…)

– Dental Corps walked up behind the Shock Troopers and swung on to our room colors and neither of them died (The Demo Corps probably does have great teeth… but now the Boomhowlers are “room colours”, which is just awesome)

– Iron things charged and killed one more still had to have (technically, the “Iron Fangs” ARE “Iron things”, so it got that right… “still had to have” is probably “still more than half”? I guess?)

– Demolisher walked forward to engage anwhat up onto the hill (“anwhat” is probably “and went”?)

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Mercs Turn 4

– Mercenaries turn 4

– Boom howlers get there vengeance move and only one of them gets to attack the comp Nick (“comp Nick” may be “Kovnik”… close…)

– 913 focus Mangalore gets three focus walks up pressures and kills an iron thing and does some damage to the Devastator (Mangler gets 3 Focus, but then the Mule uses “Pressure” and kills an Iron Fang, who is still an iron thing. Don’t ask me about the 913 at the start…)

– Damiano goes and gives that I took me ages (Uhhh… a spell.. but no idea which!)

– Gun mages Thunderbolt the Devastator out of mailing and kill a couple Winterguard (“out of mailing” is probably “out of melee”)

– Boom howlers charge in on Shock Troopers and chill the coffe neck and lightly wound two of the Shock Troopers (“chill the coffe neck” is “kill the Kovnik”, although chilling him sounds better)

– Ford card charged one sharges Devastator and does nothing three charged one shock trooper and just managed to kill him to the box giving Alexia soul (“Ford card” is “Forgeguard”, and the rest is pretty clear… ish…)

– Alexia moves back and crafts a stroll (I often craft strolls… to the store, a stroll down the street, sometimes a stroll along the beach… but in this case, obviously “craft thrall”).

– For all charges a shock trooper and fails to kill it (Nope, no idea)

– Rallies mule moves forward (Why would the Mule rally?)

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Khador Turn 4

– So Kate or turn 4 (Apparently Kate was behind the door?)

– Covenant Joel walks in the woods puts on top of girls girls and shoots gun mage (Kovnik Joe has now converted to Menoth… and then goes to the strippers?)

– Winterguard advanced and killed more gun mages (Clear as crystal!)

– Mortar fire. Ford garden somehow missed and scattered onto Boomhauer doing for damage (the Forgeguard are apparently in the “Ford garden” and does 4 damage to Greygore himself)

– Biomechanics advance and he’ll one day match on shock trooper and five on conquest (“Biomechanics” are “Battle Mechaniks”, obviously, and they repair a Shocktrooper for 1 and 5 damage on Conquest)

– Reinhold gave lucky charm to I risk (“I risk” makes his triumphant return!)

– Irish shot at boom holler at a Boomhauer boosted to hit and I talked (And then Irusk turns out to be Irish… much is explained! And “talked” is “toughed”, I suspect)

– Shock Troopers try to kill Boomhauer’s but they all tough (pretty clear)

– Dental Corps advance and kill 3 Boomhauer’s and tough to more (the guys with big hammers and great teeth advance, kill 3 trolls, and 2 more tough successfully)

– Conquest fires at Ford’s guard and get script dev but only kills one of them he uses links guns to fire at the mule kills the dude with scotter and does about 10 damage to the mule (The Forgeguard that work in the “Ford garden” are probably “Ford’s guard”s, “script dev” is probably “Crit Devastation”… rest is pretty clear)

– Devastator walks up and is a douche (This is very likely exactly what Nick said)

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Mercs Turn 5

– Mercenaries turn 5
– I get no vented through cuz I can holler knockdown answer (something about a Vengeance move, I think, but can’t because of being knocked down?)

– I drop death march and give three focus to the Mangler (and then this! It’s like poetry…)

– Mangler swings at the Devastator I again and do 5 more

– da gun mage tries to Thunderbolt the Devastator out of melee with the mule but misses and hits a mule instead doing no damage (seriously, 3 perfect sentences in a row… ridiculous… I think the app is just trolling us…)

– Damiano puts dead eye on the mule and shoots and kills a demo car (Not the Dental Corps’ demo car! NOOOooooo!)

– boom howlers activate and CMA one demo today (“today” is probably “to death”)

– Forge guard advance swing on Devastator doing nothing and chill (kill) one shock trooper moves up kills the motor and hits a shock trooper for a couple. (And now it’s even getting “Forge guard” correct… trolling, I tells ya)

– Mule moves over fires at Winterguard hits one fails to kill 2 other with last mule walks up to control flag nomad (Nick correcting himself when he said “last mule” to be “last nomad”, but of course the software doesn’t know that)

– Alexia crafts tooth rolls they charge Shock Troopers and do not kill them (ah, crafting tooth rolls… I spent many a day in my childhood crafting tooth rolls. Good clean fun)

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Khador Turn 5

– Kate or turn 45 (This is a tough decision… do I take the Kate, or do I take Turn 45!? Decisions!)

– Joe walks up and fires at the fort guard and Mrs or so I feel to break armor and gives booster tackles (Maybe the garden guards are now in a fort? Either way, fails to break armour and gives Boosted Attacks)

– Winterguard walk up and kill the last still have carols and kill one of the Ford card engaging the demolisher (“still have carols” is a colourful way of describing the Steelhead Cavalry, who obviously are still singing carols in February. And the Ford Card is played by the Forgeguard in the garden who are guarding the fort)

– Mortar fires at Boomhauer and scatters on him but fails to wound and kills 14 forge guard (man, at this point Nick has lost at least 30 Forgeguard! Insanity!)

– Demo core charge is Alexia and Mrs both backswing attacks (Core, corps… completely forgiveable… but the “misses” versus “Mrs” thing is still funny to me)

– Troopers swing it falls one misses the second one kills it (I assume “it” is Alexia, but that’s a pronoun problem and nothing to do with the ridiculous app)

– Conquest moves up shoot at Boomhauer and gets the Crypt which throws him the Nomad and one for guard forces tough on Boomhauer what does no damage to the other two (“Crypt” is “Crit”, the “for guard” is Forgeguard again, and I like “what does” but obviously it means “that does”)

– Rust moves up fires alexia and hits but it still guarded by the vendor industri damage
Energizes back 3 inches and the demolish forward 3 inches tamales for fires twice at the Mangler doing for damage (Holy crap… uh… “Rust” is “Irusk”, who fires at Alexia and is Shield Guarded by the Vanguard, I think, and does 3 damage. Tamales is probably the Devastator again?)

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Mercs Turn 6

– Mercenaries turn 5 or 6 nobody really knows (Deep)

– Mango gets three focus and sure foot is up tapped (Mango is a great name for a Mangler…)

– Mangler is able to scrap the demolisher (I’m 95% sure that this is a typo… it’s taken 5 turns of beating on the Demolisher with the Mangler, why would it kill it now?)

– Mule fires on winter guard and kills two of them

– Vanguard snacks the demo engaging Alexia doesn’t kill him gun mage tries to quit brutal the demo does not kill him (“snacks” is “attacks”, although less tasty)

– Forge guard advances attacks one shot two or three times and the dental twice then eventually pass the TOEFL the shock trooper is still not dead (and again it nails “Forgeguard” but misses “Demo”… and I have no idea what TOEFL is supposed to be!)

– Boom howler sax his movements stand the Boomhauer’s till two mechanics (“sax” instead of “Sacks”, that’s fine… but “tilling” mechaniks sounds almost as bad as killing them!)

– Holt science to aim its a shock trooper what doesn’t kill second shot misses and killed after all (“Science” instead of “Sacrifices”… that’s deep, actually… I’m not sure who “after all” is, though…)

– Damiano moves forward shoots at a Rusk but misses (Remember “Rusk” is Irusk, but again with nailing Damiano… weird…)

– Alexia moves up crafts to falls 1 truck is a shock trooper does to damage one charges a Rusk and Mrs no (Apparently Rusk is married to Mrs. No, wife of infamous Bond villian Dr. No?)

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Khador Turn 6

– Taylor turn 6 (What happened to Kate behind the K door?)

– Joe moved up and face the flag and shot the mule for a couple points of damage

– Winterguard moved up and finish the meal off (I suppose the Mule could be a meal…)

– mechanics charged I want to miss one pill to kill the troll and 1 kill them holler after (Uhhhh…. holla’?)

– Demo core swung at Vanguard twice and missed both tax (“tax” instead of “time”… I think the app is trying to communicate with us!)

– Rusk backed away from fall and took free strike 6 damage then shot and killed referral airburst on a Ford card which failed to wound (Rusk abandoning poor Mrs. No, and failing to kill a Ford Card carrying member of the garden fort guard!)

– Conquest shot the Vanguard which crit defd and through Alexia Vanguard Damiano and a gun mage killing alexia and the gun mage (“through” vs “threw”… otherwise more-or-less clear-ish)

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– Vanguard swing at demo corp and it toughs (Perfect sentence!)

– Damaino moves up and shoot Irusk and hit doing 6 dmg (and now it’s getting Irusk right too! Weird…)

– Thralls are able to kill last 2 shock troopers

– 4 Forge guard charge Irusk.  3rd one hits and kills him.

Post Game:

Well, there you go, folks… I hope that was as entertaining (and nonsensical) for all of you as it was for me.

More “serious” battle reports coming! But hopefully this was worth a laugh or two! Thanks for reading!




4 thoughts on “Battle 045 – Khador(eIrusk) Vs. Mercs(Damiano) – 75pts

  1. That was an entertaining read ^^ I should get this app someday it seems.

    Otherwise a hardfought attrition battle, must have taken a long time! Practising for Iron Gauntlet are we? 😉

  2. Definitely one of the most amusing batreps that I’ve read in a while. I’m thankful you guys posted it.
    The turn 6 mechanics sequence I read through 3 times and laughed every time.

  3. – Covenant Joel walks in the woods puts on top of girls girls and shoots gun mage

    Oh man, this was too much for me. Hadn’t laughed so hard in a long time. It actually means “Kovnik Joe walks into the woods, puts on tough and fearless and shoots a gun mage…”

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